Secrets
of a Soul Mate
By Tim
Alan Gardner
It may
be time to become what you—and your spouse—really long for
Are
you married to your "soul mate"?
Katie didn't think she was.
The day she walked into my counseling office she believed that little fact was
her ticket out of a passionless marriage.
All she really wanted from
me was confirmation that Scott was not her soul mate.
Since God wanted her to
"be happy" in marriage, she wanted me to bless the idea that her
happiness would be found when she was freed from her current spouse to find her
one, true soul mate.
A soul mate isn't something
you find; a soul mate is someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.
"I don't love
Scott," she told me.
"Well, what about your
three children?" I asked.
"The kids will be
fine," she said confidently.
I had my work cut out for
me. How could I help her see that she already had a soul mate? She just needed
to redefine her understanding of what a "soul mate" is.
The kids will be fine," she said confidently.
I had my work cut out for me. How could I help her see that she already had a soul mate? She just needed to redefine her understanding of what a "soul mate" is.
There's
a lot of discussion about soul mates these days. It's splashed across romance
novels, the main story line in movies, and all the rage among celebrities—even
some Christian ones.
For
many, the idea of having and being a
soul mate conjures notions of God bringing together two lost hearts who
experience the end to their loneliness and realize complete compatibility in
all the deepest longings of their being.
They
experience conflict-free conversations, sometimes even without talking,
discover reams and reams of shared interests, hobbies, and passions, and
finally (of course), spend days upon days of heart-stopping, hand-clinching
romantic walks on the beach.
No
hardships, no struggles, just starry-eyed wonder—for the next 80 years
together!
I must
admit, that does sound pretty enticing, especially the beach part; my wife and
I love walks on the beach. I also fully buy into the idea of God's miracle of
marriage and its God-designed intention to bring an end to loneliness.
But
frankly, the rest of that description sounds like something else—and that
something else is just plain impossible—with anybody.
Defining "soul mate"
The philosopher Plato is
often credited with the "soul mate theory."
He
believed that prior to birth a perfect soul was split into "male and
female," and that to be complete they must find each other and
"reunite their souls."
That
explanation fosters the notion that there's only one person
in the world who can truly be my "soul mate."
Furthermore,
it implies that there's only one person in the whole world I could be happily
married to, and therefore only one person with whom I can be "truly
happy."
It may
be time to become what you—and your spouse—really long for.
Thus, in
the movie Jerry Maguire, we watch Tom Cruise
say to Renee Zellweger, "You complete me."
And
that's what Katie believed. In the midst of her career, her husband's career,
three kids, multiple church activities, and a fast-paced life that had no time
for the marriage, they definitely suffered a loss of passion.
They
had grown apart. They weren't feeling in love. No wonder they were not
experiencing a "soul mate" marriage.
But
what Katie and Scott missed is that a soul mate isn't something you find; a
soul mate is someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.
In Genesis
2 we find the familiar first "not good" of Creation: Adam
It's
there we discover that God created the problem of loneliness, and
it's there we discover that God created the solution to
loneliness: deep, authentic relationships and, even
deeper, the intimacy of marriage.
Then
throughout the Bible, God gives us the simple yet powerful details on how to
have a great marriage, telling husbands to love their wives, and wives to respect
their husbands, both intentional choices (Ephesians 5:33).
Even
more amazing is that out of all the possible illustrations God could have
chosen, he picked the relationship between the husband and the wife to
exemplify the soul-deep intimacy he desires with his bride, the church (Ephesians 5:32).
In my
counseling work and in my own marriage, I've discovered that only by accepting
that charge to represent Christ in our marriage can we find the soul mate
experience for which we long.
Our
loving God wants his married children to experience deep, loving, soul-touching
relationships in marriage. That kind of connection is accomplished only through
committed effort.
My
wife, Amy, and I are very much in love. We have a great marriage. But nobody
sees us 24/7/365. They see only the "public face," not the couple
zillion times I've done my "the world revolves around me" dance.
They
haven't seen the myriad times (I think the number's higher than Amy does) that
lightning bolts have blasted out of my wife's eyes causing my head to explode
and my body to incinerate right on the spot.
Really.
What I'm saying is this. Amy and I have a very real marriage. We disagree, we
argue, and we get frustrated with each other. But even in those times, we work
even harder at treating
Yes,
we love each other. But we fight. We are not compatible
in every way.
Sometimes
we think our differences outweigh our similarities. There are many times when
we have to make changes and personal sacrifices for each other (one of us more
than the other—and that's just because he needs
to do it more).
We're
in love and are soul mates. Why? Because we work at
it. That's why Amy and I are
soul mates.
It may
be time to become what you—and your spouse—really long for.
Work, what work?
Most people don't like the
idea of having to work for a soul mate. But here's the reality: to have the
soul mate—and the marriage—we're looking for, we must work.
I hate
to break it to you, but Plato was wrong. God designed real and lasting love to
be something you do, not something you
mystically have. Working at it is built into the system.
"Falling
in love" is a great thing. When I fell in love with Amy, that
"spark" in my gut was wonderful. But as everyone can attest, soon
into marriage, I discovered that without working to fan the flame, that spark
would die.
After
the spark and the commitment of "till death do us part," we had to
set our future course as husband and wife, and commit to remain soul mates.
Certainly,
we must talk and talk and talk—and pray and pray and pray. But we also had to
learn healthy ways to resolve conflict, deal with and discuss marital
expectations, take marital education courses, and even get a marriage mentor.
I know
it doesn't sound a lot like "just falling in love for life," but
that's how we learn to stay together—and thus experience what it really means
to have a soul mate.
In
their book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Drs. Les and Leslie
Parrott put it this way: "The sacred secret to becoming soul mates is
pursuing a mutual communion with God."
The
key is the word pursuing. We
pursue something by choice. We create a mutual communion by intentionally
working at it.
Couples
who are true soul mates get that way and stay that way by continually choosing
to go deeper in their relationships with God and each other.
The rest of the story
After
listening to Katie and assuring her that I truly did care about her pain, I
confirmed that God did want her to have and
be married to her soul mate.
I also
shared that marriage is a phenomenal gift from God; there should be
a connection between wives and husbands that's deeper, more intimate, more
personal, and more "soul touching" than any other relationship we
have.
Married
couples should experience a sense of being "joined at the heart,"
connected for a future purpose, and be "more complete" with their
mate than without them.
I
stressed to her that yes, married couples should be soul mates.
It may be time to become what you—and your
spouse—really long for.
But then I shared with her
the rest of the story. If she wants a soul mate, she can look within herself
and to her husband.
She
can use work, prayer, commitment, and selfless love. She can reignite the flame
with the man God wants to be her soul mate; the man she's married to right now.
As you
can guess, Katie wasn't enthusiastic about my response; as a matter of fact,
she didn't like it at all. However, countering her notion that the "kids
would be 'fine,'"
I
convinced her to prayerfully give intentionally loving, respecting, and serving
her husband a 40-day try. And I meant 40 days of "regardless how you
feel" purposeful choices.
The
result? Let's just say she's now married to her soul mate, and her children
live with Mom and Dad.
So the
real question isn't, "Have you found your soul mate?" The real
question is, "Are you working, everyday, to become even deeper, more
connected, and more in love soul mates?" God desires for us to have a soul
mate. And the one he wants us to have is the one to whom we already said,
"I do."
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So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
You needed me, you needed me
“You Needed Me”
ANNE MURRAY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6nfpxZ2Nz4
PeterRabbit59
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSNNdkmG_QQ ElzaMoreira
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP4RaDctCnM quixote33mx
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1xbthv7KAw ArthurAaronTrinidad
lyrics
I
cried a tear, you wiped it dry
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
And I can't believe it's you I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave, I'd be a fool
'Cause I finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost, you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me friend
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
And I can't believe it's you I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave, I'd be a fool
'Cause I finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost, you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me friend
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
You needed me, you needed me
Tim
Alan Gardner, MP regular contributor and author of The
Naked Soul: God's Amazing Everyday Solution to Loneliness (WaterBrook),
is director of The Marriage Institute (www.marriageinstitute.org).
http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2008/september/secrets-of-soul-mate.html?start=4T
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